Real Moonlights Break In The Heart
by nootril melk hotell
Summary: Katnaps Evadeen returns after a hiatus of several years to go on an important mission.


The last several years of Katnaps Luna Taylor Moonlight Everdeen's life had been uneventful. She had fallen out of touch with Gayle, Peta, and all her other companions. Nowadays, she didn't have the motivation to do much of anything, nor a lot of human interaction. Such a sedentary, lonely lifestyle was to blame for her weight gain of over three hundred pounds. However, she did have _something_ in the way of "human" companionship.

"Leonard," she groaned, sprawled like a beached sheluga whale on the moldy, insect-eaten couch in her subsidized housing, surrounded by empty Ben & Jerry's cartons, wearing her favorite muumuu, "come bring me more ice cream."

Her Lenny Kravitz hologram entered the room, Cherry Garcia in hand. He looked Katnaps over and sighed deeply. "Kat, gurl, you really have to do something with your life."

"I've heard it all before, Leonard." She busied herself with scooping the ice cream out with her bare hands, having lost her spoon between the couch cushions a while ago.

Lenny didn't listen. He smacked her precious Cherry Garcia away and leaned in close for some extended forehead touching. "Kat, you're better than this. I'm not asking you to lose weight, but you could still go out and have a life instead of being a hermit. There's chubby chasers out there, you know."

Katnaps' ears picked up a faint tearing noise. Lenny's leather pants were beginning to rip. "I'm sorry, Leonard," she told him. "But I just can't go your way."

"Fine." Lenny pulled away as his pants split open down the crotch completely. He wasn't wearing underwear. "You give me no choice. It's time for you to FLY AWAY and go see the worlds." His cock ring lit up like a glowstick on the Fourth of July, and Katnaps was transported to another universe.

EEEEEEEEEE

Katnaps opened her sparkling unicorn eyes to find herself in an unfamiliar environment, one she hadn't ever encountered before in the past during her numerous teleportation and time-traveling adventures. She was standing in the entrance area of a dark, quiet house in the dead of night, not far from the door. As her iridescent peepers scanned the darkness, she noticed a flash of white in the corner and quickly realized it was a bathtub, strangely enough. Confused, she headed over to it and was shocked to discover a whimpering baby girl within.

"Hi, baby," Katnaps cooed, reaching into the tub to pick the child up, her hefty knockers trembling as she strained herself. "Why on earth are you in a bathtub?"

The baby said nothing, because she was only five months old. Katnaps saw the infant's big brown eyes fall on her mammoth jugs, clearly hungry and wanting to nurse from the luscious teats.

"Answer me, kid," Katnaps sighed, her patience running thin.

The little one pointed towards the next room over, just behind the corner, far enough away that Katnaps couldn't quite see what was hiding in the shadows. She walked over, baby in her arms, paying no attention to the unconscious, beaten man she passed on the way, lying on the floor. When Katnaps got close enough, she immediately knew exactly what the baby had pointed to.

A woman was sitting on the floor, sniffling softly as she held close to herself what obviously was the dead body of a man. She was Latina, no older than thirty, and very attractive. The floor was linoleum, so the corpse's legs kept on slipping and sliding out in all directions on the smooth surface, dangling off the woman's lap since she had the body cradled against her like he was a sleeping toddler. His limp head was resting in the crook of her elbow, and she brushed strands of hair out of his lifeless face as she struggled to keep his legs in place with one of hers.

"Remember when you had a mental breakdown earlier today and I pulled you out of the pond after you jumped in?" Katnaps heard the woman murmur to the corpse. "I'd do it all over again, if I could."

Katnaps' curiosity got the better of her, and she stepped into the room with the couple just as the woman was tilting the corpse's face up towards her, making sure that his nose didn't bump against hers, leaning in, and–

"Who the fuck are you and what the fuck are you doing with my daughter?!" Katnaps barely registered the infant being ripped from her arms before the child's mother was shoving her to the floor and digging her boot into her incredibly ample chest to ensure she stayed down. Katnaps thought of Hamish to keep her arousal at bay, perspiration streaming down her bloated face and into her neck rolls at this sapphic BDSM-esque situation she'd just gotten herself into.

"I was sent here to help, I think," she hurriedly tried to explain, even though she didn't particularly know how she could. Then, an idea she had. "Seems like you were awfully attached to that dead person. I could bring him back to life for you."

The woman narrowed her eyes and didn't remove her foot from Katnaps' bosom. An anonymous ginger person, presumably a babysitter, walked in, took the baby from Mami's arms, and walked back out. Katnaps knew they were wasting time. "I'm assuming he was your child's father. I could see the resemblance between them." In saying that, she pictured the two conceiving the child, which made the baggy panties under her muumuu even soggier than they already were, moist with arousal and discharge.

The foot still didn't budge. She sighed. "Mami, you best let me help you. If I don't resurrect your man soon, he'll just start bloating up and leaking disgusting fluids everywhere. You don't want that now, do you?"

Mami introduced herself as Rosita Espinosa and begrudgingly accepted the assistance of Katnaps the home invader.

"My God," Katnaps whispered as she crouched next to the corpse, her huge, huge fupa bulging out from under her muumuu and becoming trapped between her equally massive thighs, "what beautiful bone structure." She moved to trace one of her sausage fingers over the man's handsome Jesusish face, but Rosita stopped her by literally shooting a bullet into Katnaps' fat continent-sized ass, which didn't hurt her, of course.

"Get to it, you fucking heifer."

Katnaps tore off her utterly foul panties. The 458-pound woman somehow managed to raise her legs up high like she was giving birth and addressed a disgusted-looking Rosita. "What did you say his name was again?" she asked as she started pushing.

"Siddiq. His name was Siddiq."

"Spatula?" Katnaps was crowning. The resurrection stone was breaching her lower lips, looking like those of a cow getting its calf pulled out by Dr. Pol.

"No. Siddiq. _Si-deek._"

"Strudel?" Katnaps was hungry, par for the course.

"_Siddiq_, you fucking puta. Ethnic names really aren't that difficult."

"Sorry. I just thought you meant Schipperke." With one final heave, the resurrection stone popped right out of Katnaps. Rosita chose not to stare at Katnaps' exposed angry beaver and instead at the multicolored, glittering object that just came out of it.

"So, how do we bring him back to life with this?" The Latina woman looked at the stone closer as the obese one stood up, letting her muumuu fall back down to cover herself. Rosita shuddered upon the realization that the visitor had neglected to put her panties back on.

"Just watch," Katnaps said fatly, giving the other woman a thumbs-up. "Pass it to me, please."

Rosita did as she was told, depositing the shiny object in Katnaps' oversized palm.

"Sorry, love, I'm gonna have to put this in your mouth," the big woman told Siddiq's dead body before slipping the stone between his lips and commencing the resurrection ritual. Gripping his shoulders, she yorkled like she'd never yorkled before and shook the corpse furiously.

"Nothing's happening!" cried Rosita.

"Don't worry," Katnaps reassured her obesely. She continued shaking him with as much force as she could muster, pendulous hooters swaying like a running basset hound's testicles, her yorkling reaching a deafening crescendo. At last, the magic rock (not crack) poking out of his mouth glowed and made a bizarre high-pitched squealing noise that only bats could hear, but it wouldn't have been audible over Katnaps' tremendous yorkling anyway. Rosita had long since covered her ears, unable to withstand the terrible racket. Katnaps took the stone out.

As Siddiq came to, limbs twitching and eyelids fluttering, Katnaps pawed at his beautiful hair with a hand that _was_ considerably more like a paw, to get him used to touch again, she figured. She couldn't help it. Rosita gave her a pointed look from where she sat with Siddiq's head in her lap, said beautiful hair fanned out over her thighs like an old Harry Potter wig sitting on a dresser. He groaned and finally sat up, placing a hand on his forehead. "Could've sworn I died."

"Oh, Siddiq." Rosita just wrapped her arms around him, looking at him with so much peace, love, and understanding, leaving Katnaps disappointed. She was horny and wanted to see sex because she didn't get any anymore.

The hot Jesus Christ lookalike kissed his lover's head and gave Katnaps a long look with the most piercing brown eyes she'd ever seen in her life. "You saved my life? Thank you."

Katnaps couldn't take it anymore. She was wetter than SeaWorld, and she was Shamu. "Listen, you two are really hot and sexy, and I would like to have you both bang all 458 pounds of me like a screen door in a hurricane. Preferably at the same time. I'm sure we could figure out a way."

Silence. One could hear a pin drop. The pair just glared at Katnaps, and she thought maybe they didn't understand.

"I'm asking to have a threesome," she clarified. "Or, if you're not comfortable with that–"

"I'm not comfortable," interrupted Rosita.

"Yeah, I think we'll pass," finished Siddiq. He briefly attempted to drown himself.

"NUUUUUUUUUU!1!1" Katnaps yorkled ragefully. Rearing up, she erupted like Mount Vesuvius, shooting lasers from her now red eyes and breathing smoke and fire. The thunderous woman burped volcanic ash and spewed lightning plasma and the blood of Mercury towards Siddiq and Rosita. The couple sighed and hurried out of the house, seemingly irritated that they were being driven out by such a volatile individual. They had no choice but to relocate with their daughter to be certain that they were all far away from Katnaps for good, ending up somewhere outside of Virginia and settling down to have seven (and two-thirds) more children, including their conjoined triplets.

Katnaps never saw them again. She continued to rage in what could have been their house. It was connected to an infirmary, where Siddiq worked, but Katnaps was too angry to care where she was going and whether or not it was okay for her to be there. Roaring with the rage of rejection, she stormed into the infirmary. The large woman lost any scrap of self-control she had left and started destroying the place.

"AAAARRRGGGHHHH!1!" Katnaps screamed, spittle flying from her quivering jowls as she smashed her way over to the medicine cabinets, knocking down several IV lines in the process. She flung the cabinet doors open so hard that they broke and wiped the interior shelves clean with her vengeful She-Hulk fists. Pill bottles, small jars of herbs, handcuffs, and a couple mortar and pestle sets clattered to the floor.

"GRRRRRR!1" Katnaps continued yelling in anger. Retrieving a pill bottle from the floor, she made quick work of the childproof cap with her fat furious fingers and dumped the contents into her drooling maw. Katnaps had been producing so much saliva during her tantrum that all the pills slid down her cavernous throat with ease. She stomped over to a nearby counter like a sheanderthal, grunting like one, too, where she found a bottle of rubbing alcohol and washed the pills down with it.

_"Eeeeaaarumph."_ Huffing and puffing, Katnaps stumbled into the center of the room, her fit finally dying down. But she wasn't quite done yet. She lifted her muumuu and sprayed brown stuff all over the floor, dreaming of rivers of poo.

Meltdown complete, Katnaps ran out and collapsed, having frustrated till she couldn't frustrate anymore.

EEEEEEEEEE

"Katnaps," a voice yorkled. "Come hither."

She opened her eyes to find herself in a another new location, one that was whiter than a Hallmark Christmas movie. Similarly, her surroundings had no discernible features other than blinding whiteness, apart from an area of bright light pulsing in the distance.

"You heard me, Katnaps," the voice yorkled again. "Come. Hither. Follow the light."

She stood up, losing her breath as she did so, because standing up was a lot of work. She waddled through the whiteness towards the light, almost tripping over some orange loser passed out in a dunce cap on the way. When she stepped into the light, she ended up face to face with a man similar in appearance - bearded, with brown skin and long hair - to the one she had resurrected, but, perhaps ironically, he wasn't as attractive as Siddiq.

"Jesus, what happened to me?!" Katnaps asked him in shock, before realizing how awkward her phrasing must have sounded. "I mean, what happened to me, Jesus?"

Jesus put his hands on her shoulders. "Katnaps. You overdosed on painkillers and rubbing alcohol and are now in limbo. But fear not, my child, for I have great plans for you." He took her hand and escorted her to a grand master bedroom that seemed to appear out of nowhere.

"Katnaps, meet Mary, Mary, meet Katnaps." Jesus wasted no time shoving her forward onto the extravagant petal-covered bed, which was there in the room, causing Katnaps to nearly crush the woman already waiting on the bed under her girth, the other female rolling away just in the nick of time. Coincidentally, she somewhat resembled Rosita.

"I heard you wanted a threesome," Mary Magdalene purred in Hebrew, completely naked, with one red rose held in her teeth. Jesus got on the bed with the two women and shimmied out of his toga.

Katnaps was verklempt.

EEEEEEEEEE

After, Katnaps lay between Mary Magdalene and Jesus on the bed, which meant they were both on the verge of falling off their respective sides, struggling to catch her breath. She felt tired, weary, and like she could sleep for a thousand years, but sated. The sheets were caked in her cottage cheese, and Mary Magdalene was screaming at her for the mess.

"You fucking whale! Are you sure you didn't swallow Jonah?"

Before Katnaps could come up with a witty retort, Jesus obliterated Mary Magdalene with a snap of his fingers. Bits of her were splattered on the walls.

"I'm sorry on behalf of that cunt," apologized the Lord, handing Katnaps her soiled muumuu, mayonnaise dripping from it. She dressed silently, wondering what to do now.

"You know, Katnaps, don't let people making mean comments about your body get you down," Jesus went on as he was disposing of the (actual) lambskin he had used. He tried tossing it into the trash can at the opposite side of the room, but missed, and it leaked all over the fine carpet, burning it. "You're a beautiful woman, and you should be confident, no matter your size."

She sniffed. "Thank you, Jesus." She didn't tell him that she was into the name-calling, though. "I love you, Jesus Christ."

He wrapped an arm around her. "Remember how I said I had great plans for you? Well, I'm just gonna come right out and say it: your destiny is to become president of the United States of America. Katnaps, things in America are fucked right now, Katnaps. Only you can save country and the world." Jesus was starting to flicker in and out of view like the screen of a TV with a bad signal, his voice repeatedly cutting out. "This is your destiny, Katnaps! Make me proud, Fatness - I mean, Katniss."

And that was all Jesus managed to get out before he disappeared, leaving a new "man" (in the loosest sense of the term) in his place. The unfortunate being, clad in nothing but a filthy pair of tighty whities, slapped his glistening, hairy beer gut, a deep, echoing _"ohm"_ issuing forth from its mouth. He turned to Katnaps, dragged its finger through the mayonnaise that was still coating her muumuu, and tasted it.

"Mmm," he groaned. "Fuckin mayonnaise." It lifted a buttcheek and let one rip. "Sniff dat."

Katnaps was curious about the manimal. "Who are–"

"KINGASSRIPPER," the beast responded with a belch and a thumbs-up. "Hope you're fuckin hungry."

A glutton buffet then materialized in front of them, consisting of plates piled high with whole rotisserie chickens, large pizzas, coney dogs, bacon cheeseburgers, baked beans, Twinkies and other various sweets, including Ben & Jerry's, and copious amounts of mayonnaise.

Katnaps and the manhog fuckin smashed it all.

EEEEEEEEEE

"King," Katnaps burped out after they had finished eating, "Jesus Christ wants me to be president of the USA."

"You fuckin should," harrumphed King Ass Ripper, picking its teeth with a chicken bone. "Fuckin drench America in mayonnaise."

She was pensive. "But we'll have to eliminate Sixpence so he can't become president now that Trunk is gone," she mused.

King got up with a burp and a fart, greedy for power, and Tim Horton's.

"Let's fuckin kill the motherfucker."

EEEEEEEEEE

That night, Katnaps and King Ass Ripper arrived at the White House to put an end to Pike Mence. They knew better than to try walking through the front doors because there would doubtlessly be heavy security presence, so they decided to sneak in through the chimney instead. It was only a few days before Christmas, after all.

King ate a lot of beans until he farted so big that it floated right up to the roof. Katnaps was hanging onto his legs. Of course, they were both much too wide to fit into the chimney, so King burned a hole into the roof with its gas, and down they went, landing right in the Oval Office. Milk Pouch was in there, getting ready to electrocute some gays.

"NUUUUUUUUUU!1!1" yorkled Katnaps, unleashing a torrent of anger and lava at Math Punch. Her attack knocked Make Peace backwards, his hands coming up to grab at his face in agony as he screamed in pain, the third-degree burns and blisters now on his mug making it even uglier. King Ass Ripper lumbered over and positioned his dirty tighty whitie butt atop the veep's mouth and nose to finish him off. It wasn't long before Mick Penis' screaming stopped and his body ceased twitching.

"We are saved!" cried the gays. They embraced Katnaps and King. Servants and shit burst in to see what was going on, but Katnaps incinerated them into piles of ash, too. They were in the wrong place at the wrong time.

The gays were chanting their support for Katnaps and King.

"Katnaps for President!"

"King Ass Ripper for Vice President!"

With just a little help from Lenny, the deaths of Vice President Pinch and the servants were made to look like the results of a fire after one broke out in the Oval Office due to a malfunction in the fireplace, and Katnaps started to work for the presidency. She laid out her credentials and made it clear that she was well qualified for the job, as she was able to bring people back to life like Jesus with Lazarus. But not just that; she expressed how important it would be to her to not only be the first female president, but also to be the heaviest one since Taft.

However, as with any prospective presidential candidate, there were the naysayers, people who insisted she shouldn't run because she was a blasphemous hog. Some of these antis even banded together to create hate groups against Katnaps. Despite this, Katnaps made it into the presidential race, ready to fight to win the election with King Ass Ripper, who would be her vice, and Lenny backing her every step of the way.

REEEEEEEEEE

The night before Katnaps was scheduled to have her first big presidential rally, she had very strange and erotic dream.

"Oh, Billy," she moaned out from under President William Howard Taft, her hands caressing his broad, fleshy naked back as he made love to her.

Taft kissed her, his mustache tickling her upper lip as he sped up, till it really looked a whole lot like two walruses wrestling.

"Oh, yeah, fill my doughnut hole!" Katnaps shrike, booby screaming.

"AMERICA!" Taft shouted overweightly as he climaxed at the same time as Katnaps, slowing down on top of her like a Canadian Pacific grinding to a halt on a railroad track. They spooned heavily and shared a cigarette.

Said Katnaps, "Billy, I think I love you," as she fell asleep, but when she woke up, rolled over and saw his eviscerated corpse, full of goo!

"NUUUUUUUUUU!1!1" she yorkled, but nightmare was over, and Katnaps was back in her own bed.

Needless to say, she was never the same.

SCREEEEEEEEEE

Katnaps did presidential rally. Important people like Betty White, Bill Gates, and Oprah were there, and lots of big cameras. Katnaps told crowd story of pussy stone resurrection.

"You are fraud!1" hecklers heckled. Booed in a chorus things like "meddling", "Russia", "bots", and "bit coin". Katnaps got red with rage!

AAAAAAAAAAEEEEEEEEEE

But King gave her a thumbs-up and she calmed down. Lenny Kravitz was overseeing the whole thing.

"I have received blessings," she croaked, her fantastic beasts heaving beneath her special occasion muumuu, "from the Lord."

Protestors grumbled, but supporters cheered!

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH

Suddenly, a barrage of bullets sprayed from out of nowhere, coming from the AK-47 of...

KING ASS RIPPER.

Kidnap went down, full of bullets she was. Somehow they penetrated (lol) layers of fat and entered body cavity and organs of big woman. She was in Hell and all nine circles the whole time! It was curtains for she She was yorkling her last yorkle.

She gave the world and cameras one last thumbs-up before she dead.


End file.
